Choosing a wrong man Part 3 (bad boy syndrome solution)

 I once met a girl who told me that she and her friend fantasized of having physical abusive men. It wasn’t long afteer that when I witnessed her boyfriend pulling her with her hair and hitting her head against a wall before dragging her to the woods threatening to kill her. She happily told me that later he took her to a hotel for some romantic treat. Clearly, something is wrong with this girl’s idea of romance but what is the solution for a Christian girl who received Christ as explained in Part 2 but still loves "bad boys"?

2. The Saul-syndrome

a bad boy always have  status, power or good looks as explained in Part 1;  some women just want a man with power to rule over them and even if he abusive, it's ok. The Israelites demanded a King from prophet Samuel and their reason for it was merely "to be like others" and "to be ruled/judged"

1 Samuel 8:5 NLT "Look," they told him, "you are now old, and your sons are not like you. Give us a king to judge us like all the other nations have."

 1 Samuel 8:19 But the people refused to listen to Samuel's warning. "Even so, we still want a king," they said.God chose Saul with good features (1 Samuel 9:2 ) to be their King; but even though God warned them about the abusive nature of Saul in 1 Samuel 8:10-19 , the Israelites insisted on having him as king. 

So even if some sisters can be warned about the abusive nature of bad boys, they still stick to them seeing good looks, charm and power.

1 Samuel 16:7 NLT But the LORD said to Samuel, "Don't judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

It's just not natural for us, humans, not to judge by appearance; when we look at something that looks good, we imagine that it is going to be good for us.

Imagination vs will power

Unfortunately, when we get born again we remain with the same sinful mind that judge by the looks and that is why the sister in Part 1, though she was a minister, she still chose to marry a bad boy. So, we have a job to renew our sinful minds into the mind of God.

The “law of reversed effort” in psychology states that “in the conflict of will and imagination, the latter prove stronger”. They use this for people who want to break a bad habit but the more they try (will) , the worse they become because of imagination. Paul could have had a similar problem in :-

Romans 7:19 NLT I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.

The solution in psychology is in line with Scripture , which is to imagine that which you want until you get it. In Scripture this is calling that which is not as though it were there:-

Romans 4:17 KJV (As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were.

Hebrews 11:1 NLT Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

But faith comes from hearing the Word of God (Romans 10:17) which you must fill your imagination with i.e. renew your mind ( Romans 12:2)

Ephesians 4:22-24 AMP Strip yourselves of your former nature [put off and discard your old unrenewed self] which characterized your previous manner of life and becomes corrupt through lusts and desires that spring from delusion; 23 And be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind [having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude], 24 And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God's image, [ Godlike] in true righteousness and holiness.

As you feed your mind with spiritual food, you decrease the quantity of your evil mind-set like if you had milk in a glass and you continually pour water in, eventually water would be more than milk until it's just water.

It could only have been the supernatural power of God that seized the Lions’ natural desire to eat Daniel in the den (Daniel 6). It is only the supernatural power in the Word that will overpower your natural desire to sin or to do bad things even when you dont want anymore. 

3. Maturity

In his book “What Women Want, What Men Want,”,[20] anthropologist John Townsend concludes that men are susceptible to youth and beauty, whereas women are susceptible to status and security.

Research by the University of Pavia suggests that romantic love lasts for about a year, and then it is replaced by a more stable form of love called companionate love.

One of the ladies that I interviewed who dated celebrities  and other bad boy characters ended up married to a good man and stated she actually matured and understood that romantic love lasts for about six months even in marriage and a girl would need true love (agape) or compassionate love to continue. Psychology says it takes only one year and I have learned from marriage ministers in Bible school that romantic love (" in love" feeling)  lasts 18 months and there after you must have real love to survive. When you are immature, you only think of the romantic love , status and all the other excitement which you get from bad boys but when you are matured, you can choose soberly that which is secure.

Carole Jahme wrote: As a single trait, successful risk-taking is universally appreciated as a sign of good genes. The combination of brave, risk-taking behaviour is frequently attractive to females in the short-term. But in the long term, although females remain attracted to bravery and risk-taking they also look for the crucial additional trait of altruism (The quality of unselfish concern for the welfare of others). Thus, if given a choice, a female will apparently favour a brave altruist over an opportunistic risk-taker.

Choosing a brave altruist (humanitarian)  happens when a woman is matured but imature women choose narcissts who take risks for selfish ambitions. Eventually pastors attract more women than actors or atheletes. One of our senior pastors, Pastor Harold Black, likes to tell us about this fact from his experience.

1 Corinthians 13:11 NLT 11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.

Friends

The sister above also gave similar advice that I heard from the elderly women as they give to younger women at the Mother-daughter seminar last month that “a mature woman must not just have friends”. This is critical and it separates the girls from the women. After hearing this, that’s when I realized no wonder why I have never seen any newly married woman still hanging with friends. Immature women need to be accepted by a group and they  make decisions to impress their friends and nothing does it better than bad boys when it comes to choosing men.

4. Self-esteem

Alkon puts it this way: "Bad boys appeal to three types of women: Thrill-seeker girls, girls who can't commit, and 'Near Zeros' -- girls who aren't operating on a full tank of self-esteem."

Ladies, you do not want to be classified as a “Near Zero” where you could be abused anyhow but stick to the bad boy because he gives you a good self-image. In chapter 7, My Ex in the trunk and Chapter 8, Forgetting your good and lost past,of The Truth Women need to know I write about this issue of lack of self-esteem and dangers that God wants you to be content before getting into a relationship. The sister who dated bad boys and married a good boy told me that young women must be content with themselves, know their purpose and explained that she reasoned that a bad boy would not go with her to conferences or pray with her during situations etc so he doesn’t fit into her purpose.

In chapter 2, for the Rejected, I write that love is a basic need and we must not judge women who end up selling themselves cheaply while seeking love in wrong places. Most of the women especially in black communities, have never been affirmed or showed love by their fathers or families, so the bad boy would be the first to portray love. So, the Truth  builds a sister’s self-esteem in Christ before He gives her a man that is good for her.

Colossians 2:10 NLT So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.

So, do not seek to be completed by the status of a bad boy. Rather build your esteem in Christ the Rock and you won’t fall (Mat 7:24-27, 16:18).

1 Samuel 8:7 NLT "Do everything they say to you," the LORD replied, "for it is me they are rejecting, not you. They don't want Me to be their king any longer.

Do not do what the Israelites did by seeking a man to be King in their lives in place of God. Let God be Jehovah Jirah, your provider , King and He will definitely lead you to a man that is good for you and you will live happily.

Next : we will explore the issue of good boys who love bad girls