Haven’t you wondered why would a “good girl” like Whitney Houston who is brought up in a Catholic girls’ high school, singing for a church choir but ended up marrying the drug-abusing and convict “bad boy”, Bobby Brown? Bobby wasn’t an accident because Whitney has dated other bad boys like the American football star, Randall Cunningham; and actor, Eddie Murphy. It is not just this Preacher’s wife actress who has this seemingly natural problem because if you look around, you will notice other good girls with this syndrome of chasing bad boys; maybe you could be or have been part of it yourself. In this last week of women’s month, I researched and interviewed good women who dated and married bad boys to bring you this special offering to help the young good women who need help in this area.
The thing with the good guys
Are we supposed to force “good” or church girls to marry “good guys” in church because the Word says “do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14)” ? What if the good men in church do not have the qualities that an individual girl prefers? Should church conduct arranged marriages now? Isn’t this like enslaving women thereby bridging their free will which God Himself doesn’t? Isn’t is like bringing the law-type of living that Jesus died to free us from? Have you taken a look and try to live with some of these good guys?
Good guys seemingly
1. always pray and never play,
2. they are nerds who are pushed around by other men and wouldn’t protect their woman or family, they are just not masculine and a girl seeks security in a man,
3. they are unassertive and do everything you command them, they forgive you without screaming at you if you do wrong,
4. they are so predictable that you know where to find them at any time,
5. they are so apologetic even with trivial mistakes,
6. they are shapeless with no muscles,
7. Passive and goalless
8. they are dirty, dress funny, unattractive and unhygienic,
9. they don’t have a sense of humour and they laugh at their own jokes which are not funny,
10. no table manners and are always embarrassing you,
11. the devil you know, angel you don’t know. Many good boys turn to be women’s nightmares
12. they don’t give you breathing space because they have no life,
13. they are virgins who have never even kissed by a girl
So do you want these "losers" who have been rejected by girls throughout their entire lives to marry beautiful women with careers, strength, intelligence, style, self-respect etc all because they are Christian? Can you imagine the feeling of being married to someone that you are not attracted to? You have to sleep with them, clean them, be embarrassed all over, have children like them and at some point they act all superior and start to give you laws because they are given authority by God for the rest of your life.
On the other hand, the so called “bad” boys are fun, charismatic, funny, full of adventure, aggressive and achieve a lot, dress well and stylish, smell good, they know nice places, and they don’t want anything from a girl unlike the good guy who thinks that you are perfect and because he has failed all his life, he wants you to be a highlight of his lowly life.
Choosing the wrong man
The above may be the reasons why many good women intentionally marry bad boys. A senior woman in her fifties, agreed to have always loved bad boys and she divorced the last one in her early twenties after he abused her and kicked her on the floor while she was pregnant. She told me some horrific scenes and how he would kick her out of the house with the baby and she wondered around the streets at night after he came back with the other woman.
Another woman of God who is operating in ministry intentionally married a bad boy who is not born again. When she was around 21 years of age, she prayed for a husband and the Lord showed her the guy whom she was friends with. “The thing with that guy is: he was a stabane nyana so (gay-ish), eish… he was weak and wore sandals, he was poor”, she confessed with her face depicting that she is describing something disgusting. “But I kept dreaming one and the same dream about him until I asked the Lord to give him the same dream for confirmation. Then he came and told me about the same exact dream!” She later would stil fast for 21 days for a husband and tw days after later, she was passing by a bar when a masculine handsome guy approached her. He was very funny and had all the personality qualities that she wanted in a man and he immediately proposed marriage...
Like the other bad boys, he beats her up for no reason and when she told me her remorseful story, I was deeply distressed. The gay-ish poor guy grew up to be a strong big 40 year old minister owning multiple cars and a big house but he is unmarried because “I should have married sister-X”, he told his board. Worse, Sister X still dreams about him and whatever she dreams occurs. So there seems to be some spiritual connection between the two. How? I don’t know!
I was invited at a “Mother-daughter” women’s seminar in Vosloorus where after my speech, an elderly lady asked me if we could meet so she can share her testimony that has to be in a book. Earlier, this fragile senior woman had guided the younger women at the seminar to observe her sickened abused body, and to avoid abusive men. On the same weekend, I spoke to a thirty-year old married woman who dated bad boys but ended up marrying a good man and she shared her critical change to me which I shared in the solutions later.
The dark triad
Now, why would women be attracted to these narcissistic, selfish, thrill-seeking, and chauvinistic men who are destruction-guaranteed? A psychologist, Dr Scott Barry Kaufman wrote:
Bad boys tend to have lots of positive traits that come along for the ride of the badness such as good looks, confidence, creativity, humour, charisma, high energy, and good social skills-- all things women find attractive…Perhaps at the end of the day the allure comes down to a few positive traits (e.g., confidence, honest display of sexual intentions with no beating around the bush, creativity, non-neediness, a fun and exciting persona) and mating skills (e.g., cross-sex mind reading).
Bad boys exhibit dark triad traits of human behavior which consists of three personality deficiencies:
1. Narcissism (or self-obsession by a self-centered egotist)
If you watch wrestling, you will notice a Narcissist who grabs the mic to claim, “I know you all bought tickets tonight to come see me, the best thing that ever happened to mankind, the god of wrestling. Oh no, don’t hate me for it, I cant help myself, I mean look at me!” Some people may boo him on stage but would surely run to get his autograph afterwards and some women chase these kind of men.
2. Psychopathy are emotionally hardened, impulsive, thrill-seeking, risk-taking behavior
3. Machiavellianism (exploitative, manipulative and deceitful behavior).
Guaranteed consequences
Galatians 6:7 ESV Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.
This is not to condemn anyone but it is an inevitable principle that works on everybody. Please note that I am not saying that “the good guy” is a solution because firstly, there is no good guy, God doesn’t enforce things on us and we shall discuss the real solution later. This is just to say that if there is a good girl out there who is intending to start or continue a relationship with a bad boy intentionally, then they must be prepared for the following unavoidable consequences:
1. Never change
The psychologists and anthropologists believe that the dark triad cannot be removed from a person. The biggest mistake many good girls do is to think that they can change or help these bad boys. That is why the opposite two fit together very well because a bad boy never stop doing bad and need somebody that can always forgive, tolerate and hope forever. In the book, The Truth Women need to know, I write about a young virgin church girl who met an old "bad boy" friend of mine at my place when I was counselling him from his bad behaviour that cost him a girlfriend he loved and wanted back. The church girl fell head-over-heels with this guy and I didn’t know how to stop her. We then visited her when he was drunk and high, but she loved him more because she believed that he needed help. I thought that when she find out about all his one night stands, she would quit but still she believed that God wants to use her to help him. Wow, what a deception!
2. Abuse
You gotta understand that the narcissist and psychopath person only think of themselves and even when they do some good for somebody is a seed to what they will reap later, so they don’t care about you!. There are too many examples to give but just know that abuse is a guarantee.
3. Influence
I hope you have heard of the expression, “good girls gone bad”. It’s a fact that if you place a rotten tomato with a fresh one, it would spoil the fresh one to rot and never vice versa. Whitney Houston was a smart girl, a fashion model, actress and pop/R&B singer who became the most awarded female act of all time according to Guinness World Records but still ended up being influenced to drugs by her bad boy husband who ruined her career.
2 Corinthians 6:14-17 NLT 14 Don't team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? 15 What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever? 16 And what union can there be between God's temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God said: "I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they will be My people. 17 Therefore, come out from among unbelievers, and separate yourselves from them, says the LORD. Don't touch their filthy things, and I will welcome you.
4. Sicknesses
Be prepared for treatment of depression, heart diseases and other chronic diseases like AIDS because after you are conquered, you are useless and he has to chase new fresh meat, leaving you at home. So be prepared for loneliness too. I once spoke to one of my friends from high school who rejected her boyfriend from church because he was too good and boring to marry a rich player. Her In-laws gave her a name of sorrows after seeing what she was going through. The day I called her, it was as if I just opened the door to the dark shack which she had been leashed in for months. She complained that nobody calls her or visit her and she is always alone. She was something totaly different from the glamorous wedding and lifestyle during dating. The man had separated her from life. I just don’t want to speak people’s problems but know that there are high risks of not having children due to the substance abuse or selfishness of character.
5. Divorce, like the sister above, Whitney and every other girl who marries these bad boys, end up in divorce. Sorry, but it is never like in the movies. Even in the movies, nobody married James Bond. If you dont end up divorced, then maybe it's because you ended up in the following consequence:-
6. Death
Well, we buried a very young and beautiful sister from church last year after she was murdered by her husband following threats from girlfriend to chase her out of the house by sending her snakes at work. She was poisoned with her child before strangled to death. Death is very common as per People Against Women Abuse organisation report that I heard last week at the Mother and Daughter Women’s seminar.
At the end of the day, it is your own choice to choose or not to choose a wrong man.
Deuteronomy 30:19 KJV I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:
Because the Lord knows that some of us would choose death intentionally, He had to advice us to choose life. So, I advise the good sisters not to choose the wrong man but to choose life!
To be continued…
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