Fear of love

I discovered that my worst fear has a solution within itself as I was reading “From the house of fear to the house of love” by Henri Nouwen. Fear is common to all of us because we live in a fallen world and we have been subjected (directly or indirectly) to abuse, molestation, hijacking, excruciation, infidelities, rejection, accidents, and other horrors which add into our natural instinct of fear of the unknown. As I share my fears with you, you would understand why I am healing and how we can defeat fears.

I was drinking my tea at night chilling at the lounge with my feet folded and browsing through Nouwen’s work just to find out why other people are so fearful unlike me, the self-proclaimed General. In some passage, I even scanned through questions like “But why are we so terribly afraid? Why is it so hard to find fearless people?” and I answered inwardly “yes, ask them Nouwy! why people, what are you afraid of?”, with my eyes rolling in the sockets like the bling bling rims on a hired car in a hip hop music video. My big eyes could not see that the Holy Spirit would unexpectedly expose me like Jesus did to the Pharisees. When the Holy Ghost revealed my hidden fear (and how I can overcome it), my body rapidly erected back to sit up straight like I was pushed by an airbag. I remained silent like a statue and cold like the abandoned half-drank tea besides me as God ministered to me. It was already midnight and my eyes kept looking around my room in case one of the offering readers is witnessing this private interrogation and surgery performed by special agent Dr. Holy Spirit. Even though the sound of the fridge in the kitchen  convinced me that someone is capturing a video of the procedure with a 1960's camera but the pain caused by the revelation of my fears overpowered and turned my focus at the doctor and my broken self.

I discovered that I have fear for love due to my past experiences. Throughout the years, I have met many wonderful girls but I could not stay in a relationship for long because of this stronghold fear. I would lock my heart as I wipe the lipstick off my red cheeks which just got painted because I wasn’t quick enough to rescue the entire face from the flying kiss. Poor girls tried all the keys from the Bible to the women’s magazines to unlock my emotional doors but the keys where lost somewhere in the past. I even realized that I cannot trust anybody and I… wait a minute! oh hell no! (Heaven yes! I guess), I am even paranoid!! For some reason, the more somebody loves me, the more I get scared and start thinking that it could be another trick from the devil to bring me down… “hell no! the girls got to be kicked out of my life immediately!”. To people, it looks like I am playing the girls while in reality, it was fear playing me.

Now where does this fear that is controlling my life come from?

Rewind….Play: I have shared with you the horrific story when I got betrayed by a girlfriend just after being born again when I found that she was in a physical bed with the one referred to as the ‘spiritual father’ ….

No! that’s not where it started, let’s rewind some more … play: Many years before the horror film above, I lived out of Christ and I recalled having a few sex mates (no strings attached) relationships with girls who had boyfriends. These girls initiated the agreements. So, now I identify that I stopped getting interested in having my own girlfriend then because I feared that she might do to me what those two-timing girls did to their mampara (dumb and blind) boyfriends. So, by the time I made a wrong turn with the spiritual sister above, my soul was already invaded by fear like Iraq was intruded by American troops. Ahaah! There goes the root of my fears that I hid all these ages!

Thank you Dr. Spizozo! But what is the solution?

How many of us live under control of fears? We have seen or experienced the harsh realities of life in murders, rapes, poverty, deaths, divorces, rejection, rock bottoms, depression, failure, sickness, etc. so we don’t live “God designed life” but rather we live preventive lives controlled by fear in part two of our past. Everything from the people around us to places where we stay and the jobs or careers we choose, are all the results of our fears. Most of us who are broken by this cruel world, have the reason to fear and to attempt protecting ourselves; but usually in so doing, we hurt ourselves further.

Luke 5:31 NLT Jesus answered them, "Healthy people don't need a doctor—sick people do.

Perfect people without issues are out there in the world but the rest of us, sick and crippled folks are in Church getting treated by Dr. Spizozo, so that we can to go back to the world healed.

John 10:10 ESV The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

The thief installed fear to destroy us but the Lord is here to restore us. We may even need to forgive the past and ourselves to be able to focus on the Lord who wants to give us a good future ( Jer.29:11).

What triggered my healing was Mat 7:9-11 NLT "You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? (10) Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! (11) So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him.

How can I ask the Lord for a partner and He gives me Delilah? My life is not controlled by Satan or the wicked world but by the Lord who authored it (Heb.5:9) before the creation of the world (Eph.1:4). How can He love me so much and still lead me to death?

I therefore  renew my mind (Rom, 12:2) to believe the above scriptures instead of what the thief taught me.

2Ti 1:7 NLT For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Nouwen mentions that you can overcome fear through intimacy, fecundity (fruitfulness) and ecstasy based on John 15 : 4, 5 and 11.

Christ is the answer! We are not to live in slavery because of fear. We need to step out in faith by the power of His love to live a free and prosperous life.

All this time, my fear of love had a solution in itself, love. Love is the power given to us to overcome fear. Therefore it should be love (God) that I fear for its power to remove such strongholds from me :-

1Jn 4:16-18 NLT We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in His love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. (17) And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face Him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. (18) Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced His perfect love.

May we accept and fully experience His love that would develop our trust in Him (He would not allow anything to harm us). May you find freedom from your fears as you love others including those you fear.